It’s an actual play in an audio drama! Here’s our showcase of The Ordinary Epic, a story about the stories we make together in tabletop roleplaying games.
Like what you hear? Us too. You can support The Ordinary Epic by visiting their website.
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The people who brought you Wolf 359, Zero Hours, and Time Bombs are teaming up once more to bring you Audio Fiction 101: a new course that teaches you the ins and outs of writing an audio drama and then walks you through rigorous exercises to solve narrative challenges in audio.
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TRANSCRIPT
Transcripts for “The Ordinary Epic” are the property of Crose to Home Productions, LLC and republished with their permission.
Pre-Roll
INT. RDR STUDIO – MORNING
ELY
You should give it some more oomph.
MIRROR RASHIKA
Some more… what?
ELY
Oomph. You know. “If you loved the rough emotion of Zero Hours, you can learn how to write emotively and passionately for audio from its creators, Sarah Schachat, Gabriel Urbina, and Zach Valenti!”
MIRROR RASHIKA
You just said that louder and higher pitched.
ELY (flummoxed)
I mean… y… yes. … You try.
MIRROR RASHIKA (stilted, pauses in the wrong place)
You can fill out worksheets and solve audio challenges for your fiction podcast, helping it blossom from outline to fully-realized audio story.
ELY
Hm. Maybe you should help David instead.
SFX: Distantly, the sound of machinery crashing. DAVID goes “oh gosh dang it!” and RASHIKA says, “it’s okay we can fix it!”
ELY
On the other hand–
SFX: The wood-breaking sound, as if roots tearing through a wall. RASHIKA cackles and says “oh god we’re doomed”.
ELY
Maybe you’re better off in here. We can go over how to write for sound effects in the second unit.
MIRROR RASHIKA (skeptical)
That sounds acceptable.
ELY
“You can check this all out, and more, at learn.fearofpublicshame.com.” Okay, it’s your turn.
MIRROR RASHIKA (hesitatingly)
“We have a coupon code – ! Use RADIODRAMA when you check out to get 15% off of your order.”
ELY
Great! And now, we play that jingle!
(silence for two beats)
ELY
…Jingle? Play the jingle?
MIRROR RASHIKA
What are you attempting to do?
ELY (in increasing panic)
The jingle isn’t playing! It won’t go!
MIRROR RASHIKA
I do not understand.
ELY
This is the bit where David gets quirky and fun and plays a song about Audio Fiction 101!
MIRROR RASHIKA
David is outside hitting a rift in reality with a frying pan. He appears too busy to come and… sing a song.
SFX: Sound of metal reverberating off something large.
SFX: Space goat baa.
ELY
Oh, my God, cut to the outro, something is really wrong!
MIRROR RASHIKA
(in mono)
Audio Fiction 101. Now offering need-based scholarships. Find out more at learn.fearofpublicshame.com. Do not forget: use the code RADIODRAMA at checkout for 15% off your order.
Intro
DAVID
What does your fantasy life say about you as a person? What do you reveal, when you get out pen, paper, and dice, to make a character in a roleplaying game? What does it say about your values, your priorities, the inmost wants of your secret heart? Yeah damn, right? That’s, like, super interesting, right! Well, GOOD. This week, it’s an audio drama set around a gaming table, and the personalities that inhabit it. We’re featuring The Ordinary Epic right here on Radio Drama Revival.
[Theme music plays]
DAVID
Hey, friends! Welcome to Radio Drama Revival, the podcast that showcases the diversity and vitality of modern audio fiction. I’m your host, David Rheinstrom.
We had a leap day. Fabulous. Personally I’d like a leap decade to get back some of the years that have been shaved off me, how ‘bout you?
I’ve been listening to a lot of actual-plays, lately, and thinking about patreon and late capitalism and, to an extent, podcasting, and how the economic precarity of our era has led to a lot of us monetizing our hobbies for other people’s entertainment. It’s not good, it’s not bad; it just is. It’s just different. The Ordinary Epic isn’t an actual play; it’s an audio drama—but if your path into audio fiction was through, say, Critical Role or The Adventure Zone, there’s a sense in which this fiction show will feel familiar to you: this is a show about a roleplaying group, and you come to know the players as well as you come to know their characters. For me, personally, much of the appeal of The Adventure Zone is coming to know the McElroy family through their play style and their jokes, the parasocial enjoyability of spending time with a family having fun.
But there’s also a sense in which The Ordinary Epic is very much a departure from actual-play shows. This is a fully-scripted fiction drama: real-life actors are playing the players who are, in turn, playing their characters. It’s like watching inception, except I’m having fun—I’m just kidding, I never have fun.
But imagine an actual-play game where things outside the game world started to intrude, things got out of hand, maybe an argument even broke out—in most actual-play podcasts, that’d be edited away. Here, the drama is preserved. It’s part of the text! And it’s ENJOYABLE, rather than the keen awkwardness you might feel if they left in all the interpersonal conflict in a real-life podcast.
If you loved the webseries The Guild, you’ll love this show. If you love any of the actual play podcasts we’ve featured on RDR, you’ll love this show. If you loved the television show Community? Guaranteed, this is a show for you.
It shifts modes between the mundane, ordinary world of the players, and the epic fantasy of their in-game characters, all while asking, “Why do we play games like this? What is their purpose?” Each player has a different answer, and that’s what makes this show so fascinating to me. I hope you like it as much as I do.
We’ll be featuring two episodes today: Episode 1, “The Group”, followed by Episode 2, “The Dip”. Man, I love The Dip.
All right! Here we go, episode 1 of the Ordinary Epic.
The Ordinary Epic – Episode 1 – “The Group”
JORDAN STILLMAN
The Ordinary Epic contains depictions of fantasy violence, including combat, mortal harm, and bodily injury, as well as some cursing and adult themes. Listener discretion is advised.
DOMINIC
The Ordinary Epic, season one, episode one: The Group.
SFX (cont.): Fade in background sound of a (nonrowdy) medieval tavern.
MUSIC (cont.): A lute is being played.
MERRICK
The expedition went as planned, friend, but with one happy exception—where you sent us after copper, we found gold.
BUYER
Maybe I and my men were partial to the copper.
MERRICK
Ah, but you’ll like this particular gold better. Caelus?
CAELUS
This is no trinket, as you thought, but a holy artifact from the Gods’ War days—possibly before. Its purpose is unknown, but I detect that it still holds great power within.
BUYER
So what’s your point?
MERRICK
That it is worth, well, somewhat more than the modest bounty you originally offered.
BUYER
Is that so.
THACK
(intimidating) Yeah, it is.
BUYER
Call off your troll, Merrick.
THACK
Thack half-orc. What—all not-humans look same to you?
MERRICK
No threat was implied, friend, of course. The lady has a gruff demeanor, but a heart of gold.
BUYER
“Lady”? How can you tell?
THACK
Thack dance real pretty, that how. And can crush yer fuckin’ skull with one hand.
SFX: Sounds of several blades being drawn.
MUSIC: The lute abruptly stops.
THACK
(chuckle) More skulls take two hands.
BUYER
Hmph. Stand down, boys.
SFX: Sounds of several blades being sheathed.
MUSIC: The lute player haltingly resumes.
BUYER (cont.)
It’s a curious thing, your band of misfits—orc muscle, a pointy-eared sage—
CAELUS
Actually, it’s pronounced “mage,” with an “em” sound, as in the marvelous magics that may maim or murder in a manner most metic—
BUYER
—and a half-breed face man.
MERRICK
Half-elf, if you would; race is kind of difficult for you, huh? Thank you, at least, for not calling me “thief” like everyone else…
BUYER
I don’t altogether enjoy this conversation, but we can bargain. I just need to know that your pet human won’t be trouble later.
MERRICK
Beg your pardon?
BUYER
The silent one in the raiment of a holy man.
BENEDICT
Uh… Is that me?
BUYER
See anyone else wearing bedsheets? Are you an actual priest or do you perhaps wear the robes for fun?
BENEDICT
Um…
BUYER
This trinket is sacred to your order or somesuch, isn’t it? Am I going to have cause to regret this trade later.
BENEDICT
I’m… time out?—
SFX: Pub ambiance/music abruptly ceases.
SFX: We are now in a real-life basement.
MARCUS
So I’m confused. What am I supposed to say to him?
DOMINIC
That you don’t care.
EMO
But maybe he does care.
MARCUS
Do I…?
ATHENA
Think about what your character would say, Marcus, and just say that.
MARCUS
This really isn’t like most board games…
DOMINIC
New guy isn’t even a gamer. Yet another nice find, Emo.
EMO
Shut up, Dom. Marcus, it’s a role-playing game.
MARCUS
Right.
EMO
So you’re this holy guy: Benedict.
MARCUS
Right.
EMO
And he’s just joined this adventuring party.
MARCUS
Right. (quick beat) Why?
DOMINIC
Because we needed someone to heal us and not ask questions.
EMO
Dom!
DOMINIC
What!
DANIEL
Any reason you want, Marcus. That’s the great thing about this game—you can be anyone you want. Do anything you want, for any reason, so long as it’s true to your character.
EMO
Oh my god he does speak!
DANIEL
I—what? No he doesn’t.
EMO
That is the absolute most I have ever heard Daniel say that wasn’t in character as Merrick.
DANIEL
(sound of discomfort)
MARCUS
…What is happening right now?
EMO
He doesn’t like to be the center of attention.
DANIEL
(sound of discomfort worsens)
EMO
Like this, right now. He hates this. This is his nightmare. Daniel. Daniel. Daniel.
DANIEL
(about to explode)
MARCUS
So this is like improv!
DANIEL
(exhausted) Thank you so much…
MARCUS
One guy says “I like artichokes” so the other guy says “Oh really? Well too bad I got the last one” and now you have a scene with conflict, which is good for some reason? I did an improv class through my old job one time. It was mostly about artichokes.
EMO
Sure!
MUSIC: Tense music.
MARCUS
Cool. I totally got this.
DOMINIC
Wait, but—
ATHENA
So the buyer says—
SFX: Back to the pub.
BUYER
—or am I going to have cause to regret this trade later?
BENEDICT
There’s no need for regret, brother. Because there is no trade.
BUYER
What.
CAELUS
What?!
MERRICK
Great…
BENEDICT
This artifact belongs to my church, and as such, I cannot part with it for any price.
SFX: Many people drawing weapons.
THACK
(chuckles darkly)
BENEDICT
…Uh. What did I say?
BUYER
Kill them all!
SFX: Battle sounds crash into…
MUSIC: The Ordinary Epic opening theme.
SFX: Very large sword being plunged into a man’s chest, and then that man’s body being kicked off the sword and onto the floor.
SFX: Transition to real-world basement ambiance as narration continues.
ATHENA
…The last man falls to Thack’s towering blade. You survey the aftermath: several bodies lie scattered around the now-empty tavern, though the buyer himself seems to have escaped—and with him, your chance of offloading the relic for a bounty.
DANIEL
Well, uh… glad you took my advice to heart?
DOMINIC
This is why we don’t like new guys. The group is the group! And new guy is a bad player.
EMO
Don’t call people names, douche canoe!
DOMINIC
New guy is playing this game badly.
MARCUS
We were supposed to sell the thingy to the guy, huh?
DOMINIC
YES.
EMO
No! I mean… not necessarily!
DOMINIC
We were, actually. Empirically.
DANIEL
Aaaand off they go…
EMO
If you want to destroy this man’s agency you’re going to have to get through me, Dom! I’m small but I’m scrappy—I don’t think that’s pain you can handle.
DOMINIC
I don’t even know where to start! He’s playing improv games about artichokes while we’re—…
SFX (cont.): Their argument pans to the background.
MARCUS
This a typical game night for you guys?
DANIEL
Not at all—they usually argue more.
ATHENA
Dominic likes things a certain way—
DANIEL
And Emo is an agent of chaos.
ATHENA
—so there’s bound to be a disagreement or several. And I hope you don’t take anything Dominic says personally. We like you and want you to stay.
MARCUS
Cool. (very quick beat) What’s an “Emo”?
DANIEL
Emo. Her.
MARCUS
Imogene?!
DANIEL
Her name is Imogene?!
MARCUS
Your name is Emo?
SFX: Bring EMO back to foreground:
EMO
There may or may not have been a goth phase in high school and the name stuck. Tell anyone at work and I’ll cut you, pretty boy. I’ll cut you bad. Anyway, Dom! You have got to stop scaring away new friends just because—…
SFX: Argument resumes in background.
MARCUS
Learn something new everyday.
DANIEL
So you work together, is that how—?
MARCUS
Yeah, she’s IT and I’m in sales. I’m kind of new to town and she’s one of the few people who talk to me. Yesterday I said something about Lord of the Rings, she got kind of a manic look in her eyes, and now I’m sitting in this basement surrounded by books and weird dice.
ATHENA
It is a slippery slope.
MARCUS
So what do you guys…?
DANIEL
This is my last year of premed.
MARCUS
Oh, cool!
DANIEL
Not really…
ATHENA
I work from my house.
MARCUS
Living the dream!
ATHENA
It’s a little lonely…
MARCUS
Um… I hate my job too, if that helps?
DANIEL
Thank you—it does.
SFX: Argument pans to foreground with DOMINIC’s line:
DOMINIC
Emo, you really can just sleep with a guy—you don’t have to bring all of them to game night first.
DANIEL
(a long sound of deep discomfort that leads into) …awkward.
EMO
Benedict is not your box of band-aids or anyone else’s—he’s a real fictional person whose interests may sometimes be at cross-purposes with yours. But that’s what makes a good story! And—besides which, but relevant—look at those muscles, Dom. Look at them. He doesn’t even work out. Did you know that? He doesn’t even work out.
DANIEL
Awkwarder…
MARCUS
Oddly, I’m okay being objectified in this way.
DOMINIC
This is a highly complex game that he simply doesn’t know how to play, and that’s preventing us from playing it to the best of our considerable ability. Full stop.
EMO
It’s a story! “Full stop.”
DOMINIC
It’s a story with points! You acquire tasks, you complete those tasks, you are awarded experience points. Once you have enough points, your character becomes more powerful, can attempt more difficult tasks, is awarded even more points.
EMO
Oh, Dom. We love you and we really, truly don’t know why.
DOMINIC
Now the buyer, whose men we butchered and who rightly fled for his life, gave us a task: “Please acquire this holy relic for me, and I will pay you for it.” We—the three of us, by the way, not him—acquired it, and then new guy joins the party and decides that we’re not going to deliver the goods because that would be more fun. That’s not more fun—that’s a failed quest! Zero experience points.
ATHENA
Not entirely true—the bodyguards were worth 15 experience each, so split four ways that’s—
DOMINIC
(makes a disparaging sound) Caelus was supposed to level up this game. Pointwise, this was by far the lesser path.
MARCUS
Then let’s find a better one.
DOMINIC
How?
MUSIC: Short musical transition underscores Athena’s narration and then trails out with Caelus’s line. A stately, reverent theme.
ATHENA
After a day’s journey along the Winding Road you arrive at the Musquetan Abbey, a church devoted to the worship of Godwin, and command post of Benedict’s superior, Father Oren. Together, you await his audience…
SFX: Somewhat echoey ambiance of an abbey.
CAELUS
This is not typically how we do things, “Brother.”
BENEDICT
What do you mean?
MERRICK
He means that we’re not in the habit of simply handing over valuable things for no reward.
BENEDICT
Oh, but there is a reward!
MERRICK
Yeah…?
BENEDICT
It’s knowing that you did the right thing.
(A quick beat, then the others burst out laughing.)
BENEDICT (cont.)
Okay, just my reward then.
THACK
Awww, pretty boy. So pretty! Not so smart…
MERRICK
It’s a matter of profit versus loss, Benedict. What do we gain by just handing this thing over? We know what we lose: a considerable bounty, provided we can find another buyer and resist, somehow, trying to murder him or her…
CAELUS
…leverage against whomever the buyer represented, should they return, at some point, for the piece or payback or both…
MERRICK
Aye, that too. And! Lest we forget, a trinket of unknown power that could prove useful to us when we have need, which we often do…
SFX: Footsteps on marble.
FATHER OREN
Brother Benedict.
BENEDICT
(respectful) Father Oren.
FATHER OREN
Not two days departed on your pilgrimage and already you’re keeping company with murderers and thieves.
MERRICK
Only sometimes and usually, but mostly only when they deserve it.
THACK
If they not Thack or friend of Thack, Thack say they deserve it.
BENEDICT
It’s like you always said, Father Oren—“If you seek to save a sinner, then you must sleep where sinners do”?
FATHER OREN
It wasn’t meant literally. Perhaps it was a mistake sending an orphan with little knowledge of the world out into it alone—you’ve always been more comely than bright, lad.
CAELUS
Yes, wonderful, his pulchritude makes the poets weep. What of the device, Godspeaker?
FATHER OREN
Yes, the device. Let me see it.
SFX: Rustling of a cloak.
FATHER OREN (cont.)
Hmm.
CAELUS
I’ll save you some time—we know of course that it is fueled by holy magic; thus, its power is likely curative or protective in nature.
FATHER OREN
What else?
CAELUS
Slots at the top and bottom of the rod suggest missing gemstones or crystals. It’s unclear whether they were enchanted or merely decorative, but I suspect the former.
FATHER OREN
Incorrect.
CAELUS
Now the script seems to be of an early—… sorry, what was that?
FATHER OREN
You’re wrong.
CAELUS
I, you, well, it certainly… but… you’re wrong?
MUSIC: Building suspense.
FATHER OREN
What you have stumbled upon is one piece of a much more powerful whole, and now that its parts are in motion… I’m afraid that it is far too much of a liability to keep this here, despite its great significance to our order.
BENEDICT
(disappointed) Oh…
MERRICK
What exactly is the completed set?
FATHER OREN
The Godstaff of Many Pieces: the most valuable—
MERRICK
(intrigued) Oh.
FATHER OREN
—dangerous—
THACK
(likes the sound of that) Oh.
FATHER OREN
—and powerful artifact in all the history of our known world.
CAELUS
(going to take over that world) Oh…
MUSIC: Concludes.
JORDAN STILLMAN
We hope you’re enjoying the series premiere of The Ordinary Epic. If you like what you hear, there’s even more to discover: check out theordinaryepic.com for original artwork and show updates. And if you want to support the show, there are many ways to do that too! Join our listener community on Patreon to get access to a ton of awesome behind-the-scenes features and patron-only updates. There’s so much fun stuff waiting for you there, and your support would mean everything to us. And now, back to the show.
SFX (cont.): Outdoors, day. Birds chirping.
SFX (cont.): Three human-sized people, one giant-sized person, and a horse walking along a dirt road.
BENEDICT
So, before, when you told the buyer that it was an ancient relic from the Gods’ War…
CAELUS
I had a sense, naturally, that it was not what it seemed to be at first…
MERRICK
He was lying. We do that sometimes.
THACK
When we tell truth…?
BENEDICT
So mostly the three of you steal things for wealthy people and then extort more money from those people than was promised.
MERRICK
Hey!! “Extort.” We negotiate.
BENEDICT
By lying to them.
MERRICK
Turns out—wasn’t a lie!
BENEDICT
By coincidence.
CAELUS
As I mentioned before, I did have something of a sense that this relic was more than it appeared to be—
THACK
Pointy-ears still yapping.
CAELUS
Your ears are also pointed!
THACK
(growls)
SFX: Horse startles.
CAELUS
Ignorance triumphs yet again. I shall cease my efforts.
BENEDICT
I made a terrible mistake.
MERRICK
Refusing to sell it was perhaps not the most—
BENEDICT
I meant joining your group! It’s common for a priest on pilgrimage to travel with like-minded souls. Instead I fell in with you. Refusing to sell this relic was the only smart thing I’ve done in the past few days.
MERRICK
Well, for my part, and despite the considerable loss in profit your crisis of conscience inflicted upon us, I’ve enjoyed your company. It’s been some time since we adventured with a healer. They kept dying on us and eventually we just gave up.
BENEDICT
…What?
MERRICK
I’m kidding, of course! Most of them left in disgust. (quickly somber) One did die.
THACK
Poor Benedict.
BENEDICT
What??
THACK
His name also Benedict. Look a little like you, too…
BENEDICT
Next town, I’m rid of the lot of you. I just need to figure out a place where no one will ever find this Godstaff piece and that I can get to before whoever’s looking for it finds me.
MERRICK
Interesting notion. And you are offering us how much as payment, Brother?
BENEDICT
“Payment”?
MERRICK
As we intrepid three did recover the eldritch artifact of world-shaking power ourselves, without your aid—
CAELUS
—I did point that out before…
THACK
(growls)
CAELUS
(defeated) Fine.
MERRICK
—it’s not yours to take without suitable compensation. One might even call such a thing… “theft.”
BENEDICT
Well, I took something called a vow of poverty, so…
MERRICK
Sounds like we’re stuck with each other.
BENEDICT
For now. Until I’m satisfied that this relic will not fall into the wrong hands.
MUSIC: Upbeat, inspiring selection from the main theme.
MERRICK
Welcome to the Dauntless Dungeoneers, Brother Benedict.
BENEDICT
Thanks, I think.
THACK
Keep Thack healed up nice, pretty boy, Thack keep your enemies dead.
BENEDICT
You really don’t have to do that. Actually, please don’t.
MUSIC: Music stalls out with Caelus’s silence.
MERRICK
…Caelus?
CAELUS
(hard, long, world-weary sigh)
BENEDICT
(upbeat) You too, Caelus.
MERRICK
So… what exactly is this thing? And more importantly: what should we do with it?
CAELUS
I’m afraid that the “Godstaff of Many Pieces” belongs more to the realm of myth than knowledge.
MERRICK
So, you don’t know.
CAELUS
Of course I do! Though… I will perhaps lean on our good Brother for the insipid made-up divine bits.
BENEDICT
Heresy too! That’s nice.
SFX: Fade out on walking sounds.
MUSIC: Invoking the dawn of creation, violence, magic, and strife.
SFX (cont.): Certain dramatic effects at appropriate moments (sounds of battle, a staff cracking, etc.)
CAELUS
At the supposed dawn of creation, the gods carved from the first tree a staff that allowed them to rule over this world and all the creatures on it. Eventually, they decided—
BENEDICT
—you mean Torak the Betrayer decided—
CAELUS
(annoyed) Someone or multiple someones decided that this staff represented too much power in too few hands.
BENEDICT
“Thus began the Godswar, a battle for the fate of rule borne out on the world of men—”
CAELUS
—“men”?? The elves were here first, human—
BENEDICT
“—the consequences of which shattered earth and boiled sea, creating the mountains and deserts we have to this day.”
CAELUS
(sarcastic) Right. That’s of course where our geological features come from.
BENEDICT
Anyway, the staff was broken and the creatures of this world were left to govern their own fate. However, the staff, being immortal like the gods, could not be destroyed utterly, and so the individual pieces were scattered across the world, hidden in the deepest, most remote places, so that it would never again be reassembled.
MUSIC: Musical sequence recedes.
SFX: Fade back in walking sounds.
THACK
Thack like part where gods make mountains with violence. Thack do that someday.
MERRICK
Friends, our path is obvious—we sell it for a lot of money. Really just a disgusting amount of wealth. We retire and never steal again, except when it’s essential we do so for the greater good. Or when we’re bored.
BENEDICT
We absolutely cannot—
MERRICK
I mean, to some elite private collector. It’ll be every bit as hidden and guarded as it was in that ancient dungeon we ransacked—maybe moreso.
THACK
Thack say keep magic stick. Help us kill better.
BENEDICT
The magic of this piece is supposed to be protective?
THACK
Yeah, protect us so we kill more.
BENEDICT
Right.
MERRICK
Caelus?
CAELUS
Oh, wonderful, so we care now what the mage thinks?
MERRICK
We always cared—we just were never interested.
CAELUS
You’ll be interested in this—I think that we should find the rest of the pieces before someone else does.
BENEDICT
Oh really.
CAELUS
We all heard your cult leader—
BENEDICT
—Father Oren is a high priest of Godwin, not a—
CAELUS
—“Should the completed staff fall into the wrong hands, nothing we know or hold dear will be safe.”
BENEDICT
Whose hands are the right hands? Yours?
SFX: Horse whinnies in alarm. A rustle of bushes.
MUSIC (cont.): A note of surprise, then continuing into a sequence with many turns that takes us out of the episode.
SFX: A sword is drawn.
BUYER
(speaking from a small distance) You adventurers and your “right” and “wrong.” It’s hilarious, really.
SFX: Sound of THACK snarling and drawing massive sword.
BUYER
Don’t bother with that, beastie. My patron is very, very unhappy that you killed his other men, so now he’s sent all these archers. Goodness, just look at ‘em all.
SFX: Rustling of many bushes.
MERRICK
Godwin’s balls.
BENEDICT
Uh, blasphemy…!
MERRICK
Is that really the most pressing—
BUYER
Your only concern right now should be walking out of this alive, and believe me, there’s only one way that happens: hand over the piece like you should have in the first place.
SFX: Quick transition to basement ambiance.
ATHENA
The buyer has you completely surrounded and outnumbered, much worse than before. He smirks as you contemplate your limited options. What do you do?
EMO
Guys, Thack’s still a little bruised from that last scuffle…
DANIEL
Merrick too.
DOMINIC
Caelus still has a few of his more powerful spells, but… I’m not sure we’re all going to make it out of this one.
EMO
Wait, are you saying… we fight??
DOMINIC
We fight.
EMO
Even for no tangible reward? What about your “optimal points”…?!
DOMINIC
About that… Look, new guy… I’ve been, I guess, a little hard on you…
MARCUS
You’re also still calling me “new guy” instead of Marcus.
DOMINIC
Yeah, I don’t think that’s likely to change. But it—look, these game nights… they… well, I… I mean…
MARCUS
It’s okay, man.
DOMINIC
What I’m trying to say is… that you don’t suck quite as much as I thought, and this game has been, I suppose, one to three percent more fun than the ones before you were here. So you can stay in the group. I guess.
EMO/DANIEL/MARCUS
Awwwww…!
ATHENA
And also Father Oren technically did give you a different quest when he asked you to take the piece far away, one that has—you’ve likely surmised—a much higher experience point reward than the original?
DOMINIC
Never once crossed my mind.
EMO
There he is.
DANIEL
So, we attack?
DOMINIC
New guy’s call.
MARCUS
Really?
DOMINIC
You got us this far. Let’s see it through your way.
MARCUS
(touched) Thanks, Dominic.
DOMINIC
And I want you to know that Emo was right—you do have nice muscles.
MARCUS
(uncomfortable) Thanks, Dominic…
ATHENA
Arrows nocked, bowstrings taut, the buyer’s men regard you coolly, as—
MARCUS
Wait, sorry to interrupt—
MUSIC: Stops.
ATHENA
Oh, everyone just does. No need to apologize.
MARCUS
Is the reason you invited me here—
EMO
—that I just wanted to get into your pants? Yes. One hundred percent.
MARCUS
Ah…
EMO
But don’t even worry about it. I’ve decided you’re not nearly weird enough for me.
MARCUS
That’s… cool. But is it, like, weird if I keep showing up to these?
EMO
I’d say it’s just weird enough.
DOMINIC
Can we finish the story??
SFX: Transition back to game world ambiance with ATHENA.
ATHENA
The buyer awaits your decision, poised as one both ready for a fight and assured of its outcome.
BUYER
I’ll have that relic now.
THACK
Thack hope pretty boy have more healing. We gonna need it.
MERRICK
You guys might. One of you dies and I’m running for it. So don’t.
CAELUS
We’ll have to use every advantage, and we’ve not many left.
SFX: Rustling of cloth.
MUSIC: Reprise of music from Gods’ War story begins to build.
BENEDICT
Just one. But maybe it’s all we need.
CAELUS
Benedict, you have no idea what that piece does! What consequences using it will have!
SFX: A hum of power begins to build.
BENEDICT
(realizing) Oh. Actually, I do. Want to see before we all die?
THACK
Yup!
MERRICK
Next time, I make the plans. This really is the worst one yet.
CAELUS
If you’re going to do it, do it now. (begins chanting a spell)
BUYER
Target the mage!
MUSIC: Music builds to a tense moment then drops off completely, ominously.
SFX: Dark, godly reverb on BENEDICT’s command:
BENEDICT
Obliterate.
MUSIC: End credits music.
JORDAN STILLMAN
The Ordinary Epic was created by Brandon M. Crose, and brought to life by Executive Producer Jordan Stillman, Technical Producer Brad Smith, Composer Tiven Weinstock, Graphic Designer Hailey Thurrott, and Visual Designer Sangjun Lee, with additional music and music editing by Bradley Jordan, and audio by Matthew Lightbound. Season one, episode one: The Group, was directed by Stephanie LeBolt, and features the voice talents of Rachel Belleman as Emo and Thack; Caitlin Gjerdrum as Athena, the Buyer, and Father Oren; Brandon Green as Marcus and Benedict; Michael Hisamoto as Daniel and Merrick; and Elliot Purcell as Dominic and Caelus. Extra special thanks to Production Assistants Neil Johnson, Liz Schultz, and Matt Kramer, and to Tom Janes and Lois Paton for the live musical performances heard in this episode. Check out theordinaryepic.com for bonus content, original artwork, and to join our listener community. Season one of The Ordinary Epic is made possible in part by a grant from Neil Marsh of Eternity Cove Productions. The Ordinary Epic is copyright 2019, Crose to Home Productions, LLC.
MUSIC: End credit theme concludes.
JORDAN STILLMAN (cont.)
Thank you so much for listening to our series premiere! We’ll be back in two weeks with Episode Two: The Dip. And in the meantime, always remember: You can be anyone you want. Do anything you want, for any reason, so long as it’s true to your character.
The Ordinary Epic – Episode 2 – “The Dip”
JORDAN STILLMAN
The Ordinary Epic contains depictions of fantasy violence, including combat, mortal harm, and bodily injury, as well as some cursing and adult themes. Listener discretion is advised.
MUSIC: Foreboding cue.
MARCUS
The Ordinary Epic, season one, episode two: The Dip.
MARCUS
Alright! Game two! I have done my reading, I know what… some of these dice are called, and I am ready to eat some junk food. Let’s do this.
ATHENA
I’m flattered that you’re so excited to come back. Also that you came back.
DOMINIC
New guy seems… chipper.
EMO
New guy’s name is Marcus?
MARCUS
It’s not a problem, Imoge— Emo. Little bit of hazing, steep learning curve—it’s all part of the Dip. I got this.
DANIEL
The what?
MARCUS
The Dip.
DANIEL
We didn’t bring any…?
MARCUS
It’s a book by this dude Seth Godin—
EMO
—ohhhh—
MARCUS
—that all of us had to read for work. What’d you think?
EMO
Yeah, I definitely did not read that.
MARCUS
Well if you had, you’d know the Dip is that time between trying something new and before you’re good at it where everything’s difficult and, you know, you suck a little bit.
DOMINIC
(“no comment”) Mm hmm…
MARCUS
Most people just give up: it’s uncomfortable, it’s awkward, it’s not always fun. But! If you commit, and power through the Dip, you come out stronger.
EMO
That awkward place you describe is my domain, and I am its ruler.
MARCUS
I can see that.
DOMINIC
Sounds like a waste of time to me. Why don’t you just be smart and master whatever you’re trying to learn in a few days?
MARCUS
And how often are you able to—
DOMINIC
Most of the time.
MARCUS
That’s cool… Daniel, you’re premed—I bet you’re all kinds of familiar with the Dip.
DANIEL
Uh. It’s fine, I guess…?
ATHENA
It’s a neat idea, Marcus. Definitely something to think about.
MARCUS
It is. And I hope you all do.
ATHENA
If we’re ready to begin…?
DOMINIC
Yes. Please. I have so many plans for this session; I won’t spoil anything except to say that—if you all cooperate—every one of us stands to benefit greatly. Even you, new guy. No “dip” required.
MUSIC: Aftermath of the last episode.
ATHENA
The unexpected lash of flame from Benedict’s artifact worked to deadly effect: the Buyer, badly burnt, again fled the scene, and you were able to make short work of the remaining archers. Though your gambit was not without its cost…
SFX (cont.): Outdoors, day
MERRICK
They killed our horse! I can’t believe it. There’s bad people—sometimes, I will admit, that’s us—and then there are monsters, you know?
BENEDICT
I’m sorry, Merrick. Everyone else okay?
THACK
Thack GREAT.
BENEDICT
You have five arrows sticking out of you.
THACK
Pretty boy have two. Thack win.
BENEDICT
Caelus! …Caelus?
THACK
Pointy-ears…?
MERRICK
Oh no.
SFX: Merrick running a short distance (dirt road). Checking over a body.
BENEDICT
Merrick? Is…?
MERRICK
…He’s dead.
MUSIC CUE: The Ordinary Epic opening theme.
DOMINIC
I’m dead?!
EMO
Caelus is dead—you are only dying a little bit each moment of every day, your biology a closed system of diminishing returns, until one day—and you won’t know which day until it happens—
DOMINIC
Not helping!
ATHENA
Caelus took four arrows in that first volley, Dom.
EMO
Thack’s still ahead!
ATHENA
And two more arrows in the second volley.
EMO
Damn it.
DOMINIC
This is wholly and utterly new guy’s fault.
MARCUS
If you’ll allow me, I’d like to introduce you to a concept called “The Dip.”
DOMINIC
No!
MARCUS
Here’s a period of difficulty you did not expect, right?
DOMINIC
You mean death?!
MARCUS
Yeah, and so now you have to create a new character, which will be… some amount of work, right…? And then you’ll have to build him back up to where Caelus was, which might be difficult. Right?
DOMINIC
I’m back to hating you again.
EMO
Maybe I was a little too grim before—death may not be the end of us.
DOMINIC
No…?
EMO
Well, for Caelus, probably. But fortunately for us, what with the inevitable human-machine singularity, you may not ever have to worry about your own death. The concept will cease to exist—we’ll just get upgrades.
DOMINIC
The inevitable human-machine singularity.
EMO
Yeah!
DOMINIC
Aren’t you in love with Marcus? What happened to that?
EMO
No I am not! And no I wasn’t! And no I never would, as you are implying, try to distract you from my schoolgirl crush on Marcus by talking at length about one of my many interests. And oh my god, that was forever ago!
MARCUS
Wasn’t that last week…?
EMO
Can it, muscles. Dom and I are having a serious conversation about serious things.
MARCUS
Right.
DANIEL
(quietly, to Marcus) It’s not you. Emo’s a bit… mercurial.
EMO
Daniel!
DANIEL
(scared sound)
ATHENA
If everyone’s ready…?
DOMINIC
Yes! Fix this, or Caelus will spend the rest of his unlife haunting you.
EMO
That might actually be kind of interesting…
DOMINIC
Not in a fun way. Fix. This.
SFX: Transition into game world ambiance with Athena narration. A few flies are starting to buzz around.
ATHENA
Your friend, the elven mage Caelus, lies dead before you, his body riddled with arrows and still warm.
THACK
(sad) Poor mouthy twerp…
MERRICK
Brother Benedict, is there anything you can do?
BENEDICT
When it pleases him, Godwin grants me the power to mend minor wounds and ailments. To raise the dead… that is far beyond my ability, Merrick.
MERRICK
And what of your superior, Father Oren?
BENEDICT
I am… not certain. Perhaps. But from what little I know of that ritual, it must occur very soon after death, and the abbey is an hour’s ride away.
MERRICK
Half a day’s walk. Remember the horse?
BENEDICT
…Right.
SFX: Thack hefts the body onto her shoulders.
THACK
Unf. More heavy than he look.
MERRICK
Let’s get moving.
BENEDICT
There is… another problem.
MERRICK
What?
BENEDICT
Father Oren gave explicit instructions that I was not to return to the abbey with this artifact. That merely having it there was too great a risk for—
MERRICK
(angry) Then you can wait with it outside!
(awkward beat)
MUSIC: Somber music that builds to a hopeful note.
MERRICK (cont.)
I’m sorry, it’s just—… this is our friend. We have to do whatever we can.
BENEDICT
I understand. (beat) Let’s go.
SFX: Two normal-sized people and one giant-sized person (carrying a normal-sized person) jogging on a dirt road begin and then fade out under Athena:
ATHENA
Slowly—too slowly, you fear—you begin to make your way back to Musquetan Abbey.
(beat)
And I will need a few minutes to prepare the next part. Please talk amongst yourselves.
MARCUS
You’re very good at this.
ATHENA
Thanks, Marcus…
MARCUS
Seriously, you should think about going pro.
ATHENA
I don’t think there’s a professional league for game masters, but truly, I appreciate the vote of confidence.
MARCUS
You said you work from home—are you a writer?
ATHENA
Ha ha! (beat) Oh, you were serious?
MARCUS
I mean… yeah!
ATHENA
I—… I don’t know. I dabble, a little.
MARCUS
But you find it challenging? Sometimes, perhaps, discouraging that you’re not yet where you want to be?
ATHENA
Well yes, sometimes—
DOMINIC
Stop! Right there.
MARCUS
What?
DOMINIC
He’s dipping you! Doing the… dip thing! No more dip for you, new guy. This is a dip-free zone. Are we ready yet or what?
ATHENA
Sorry to take so long—I’m only building an entire world on the fly here.
MARCUS
You’re making all of this up as you go…?! That’s incredible!
ATHENA
It’s equal parts planning and improvisation; sometimes more of the latter with this grou—
DOMINIC
Stop distracting her!!
MARCUS
(quietly, to Daniel) Why are we trying to save him, again?
DANIEL
Eh, he has his uses.
MARCUS
Hey, can I ask a personal question?
DANIEL
Um, I… don’t know. Yes?
MARCUS
You’re super talkative as Merrick but barely say “boo” outside of the game. What’s going on there?
DANIEL
I say boo…
MARCUS
You should say it more often. You’re a funny guy.
DANIEL
Oh… well, uh, that’s… it’s nice. So are you. Funny, I mean.
DOMINIC
You two better not be talking about dips over there!
EMO
Don’t interrupt them! They were being super cute!
DANIEL
(uncomfortable sound)
ATHENA
Okay, ready when you guys are.
DOMINIC
Very ready.
MUSIC CUE: Ominous, dark music underscores Athena narration.
ATHENA
Exhausted, wounded, you arrive back at Benedict’s former home as the sun is setting, its brilliant light casting in stark relief the unsettling sight before you—the abbey’s large wooden door is open, several of the stained glass windows are broken, and even from here you can see that something terrible has happened within.
SFX: Outdoors, early evening.
SFX: Merrick quickly draws twin daggers.
MERRICK
Wait here.
BENEDICT
Not a chance.
MERRICK
We need to make sure we’re not walking into an ambush.
BENEDICT
Another ambush, you mean? If people are hurt in there then we don’t have any time to waste.
THACK
No one alive in there.
BENEDICT
(shouts) Father Oren!
SFX: Benedict dashes inside; “mic” stays with the others.
MERRICK
(to self) Godwin’s ball—… d head.
THACK
Gonna lose another healer he keep this up.
MERRICK
Let’s go.
SFX: Merrick and Thack (still carrying the body) jog inside; “mic” follows them from outdoors into abbey ambiance: echoey, feet on marble, etc.
BENEDICT
(short distance away) You’re right—they’re all dead.
SFX: Merrick moving a robed body
MERRICK
Arrows. Fletching is the same as the Buyer’s men.
THACK
But we kill Buyer’s men.
MERRICK
It looks like this happened hours ago, before we fought them. They must have followed us here earlier today and—…
BENEDICT
(realizing he’s responsible) Gods.
FATHER OREN
(from across the room) Unnnngh…
MUSIC: Somber.
BENEDICT
Father!
SFX: “Mic” follows Benedict as he runs to Father Oren and kneels to tend to him.
BENEDICT
Father Oren…
FATHER OREN
(with great effort) Brother… Benedict… (wet, rattling cough)
BENEDICT
I’m so sorry. This is all my fault.
FATHER OREN
Lad… you must… (labored gasping)
BENEDICT
Don’t try to speak. Merrick, there might be some… potions or—
SFX: Father Oren grasps Benedict’s robes to pull him close
FATHER OREN
(rasping, struggling to draw breath) Listen… carefully! You must… do this… the Godstaff… pieces… he… they… you must not let… (exhales one final time)
BENEDICT
(completely lost) …Father Oren…?
JORDAN STILLMAN
Hey there, it’s Jordan: Executive Producer of this show. Do you know what’s awesome? Friendship! Consider reaching out to a friend who would just love this tale of ne’er-do-well adventurers and the people who play them. Word of mouth is incredibly helpful, so telling even one person would be an amazing way to support us. Thank you so much. And now, back to the show.
SFX: Abbey ambiance
BENEDICT
(crying softly)
MERRICK
I’m sorry, Benedict.
BENEDICT
We did this. I did this.
MERRICK
We didn’t know—
BENEDICT
You didn’t care! You stole a dangerous artifact and then lead the killer looking for it straight into my home.
MERRICK
We did actually try to sell the—!
THACK
Merrick.
MERRICK
I’m sorry for your loss. We lost one, too.
THACK
And horse.
MERRICK
And the horse.
BENEDICT
I don’t know what to do.
MERRICK
You mentioned potions—maybe there’s something in here strong enough to—
BENEDICT
No… nothing like that. Maybe in the vault, but—
MERRICK
The vault…?
BENEDICT
No. No.
MERRICK
Wouldn’t you do anything to bring back your mentor, your fellow brothers?
BENEDICT
I wouldn’t betray my faith.
MERRICK
Really? I would. I would do anything, whatever it took, to bring back someone I cared about. And I hope they would do the same for me.
BENEDICT
Father Oren wouldn’t want that. None of them would.
MERRICK
Caelus would.
THACK
Thack would too. Keep in mind for future, please.
BENEDICT
Only Father Oren is allowed to enter the vault—the rest of us are… were… expressly forbidden from even going near it.
MERRICK
Look, Benedict… I’d appeal to your sense of morality, but I don’t have one of those and would probably say something grossly inappropriate. But I do know how to make a deal, and here’s the best one you’re likely to get—you help us bring back our friend, and we’ll help you with this nebulous-sounding and likely impossible task of yours.
THACK
Thack not really understand that, but long as Thack get to kill, Thack happy.
BENEDICT
Probably there will be killing, Thack. I suppose that part is unavoidable.
THACK
Pretty boy say sweetest things.
MERRICK
Do we have an accord?
MUSIC: Dark, building to hopeful by the end.
BENEDICT
I don’t suppose I have much of a choice. Though I doubt Father Oren would have wanted me to honor his last wish while in the company of liars and thieves, as he put it—
THACK
Murderers and thieves.
BENEDICT
…Right.
MERRICK
Like you said… you don’t have much of a choice.
BENEDICT
(hard sigh)
SFX: Benedict rises to his feet
BENEDICT (cont.)
Follow me.
ATHENA
Led by Brother Benedict, the remaining members of your party descend into the abbey’s depths, where you discover that you are not the first to pass this way…
SFX: Close stone tunnels; distant dripping.
BENEDICT
(hushed) The vault is already open! How—…?
SFX: Merrick drawing his twin daggers
MERRICK
(hushed) Now will you wait behind and let me do my job?
BENEDICT
(hushed) If we’re doing this, I should go first. It should be me.
MERRICK
(hushed) Hate to break it to you, but someone else was pretty obviously here before us. Damn it.
THACK
(hushed, sort of) Watch yer fuckin’ language. We in church.
BENEDICT
(hushed) Thanks… Thack… Ready?
MERRICK
(hushed) Ready.
THACK
(grunts)
BENEDICT
Hnf…!
SFX: Very large vault door swings open.
MUSIC: Quick suspenseful sting, then…
SFX: Silence.
BENEDICT
They’re gone.
MERRICK
That’s… a lot of vials.
BENEDICT
Thack, set Caelus on that altar. I’ll try to find… something…?
SFX: Benedict begins rummaging through drawers, between decanters, etc.
THACK
Here go, pointy ears…
SFX: Thack heaves the body onto a stone altar
SFX: Bonk! of a head against stone
THACK
Er. Oopsie…
MERRICK
Very odd. It doesn’t seem that they took anything except whatever was in this ornate case. This… very valuable-looking—
BENEDICT
Sticky fingers in your pockets, please.
MERRICK
I wasn’t going to take the whole case! Just a couple of the larger gems attached to it… maybe few of the smaller ones too…
SFX: Rummaging stops
BENEDICT
(sighs) I have some bad news.
MERRICK
Well, praise the gods. Today has really been nothing but good news.
BENEDICT
There isn’t anything here with the power to bring Caelus back.
MERRICK
You’re sure?
BENEDICT
Maybe whatever was in that case, but by the time we found the Buyer and got it back…
MERRICK
Oh.
BENEDICT
There’s another option…? But it might not work… and even trying it… Well.
MERRICK
I’m listening.
BENEDICT
Godwin does not grant me alone the power to restore life. But, using some of the objects here imbued with His holy power, I might be able to… “cheat” it.
MERRICK
Really…
BENEDICT
This is not Godwin’s will, and defying Him could have… consequences. Caelus might return to us twisted, monstrous.
THACK
Eh, that sound like pointy ears.
BENEDICT
This could provoke Godwin’s wrath, which could fall upon me, or all of us.
MERRICK
You’re not used to being in trouble. Am I right?
BENEDICT
Well, no. I mean—yes. You’re right.
MERRICK
The most difficult part of trying something new is how long it takes to get good at it. You just have to push through and eventually you’ll get there—I promise.
BENEDICT
Get where? Really good at being in trouble?
THACK
Or really good at killin’.
MERRICK
Or both! Whatever you want to be!
BENEDICT
I just know I’m going to regret this…
MUSIC: A sort-of “holy” music starts slow and then escalates to its conclusion, ending in a place of danger and uncertainty.
BENEDICT (cont.)
Alright… place the vial here… don’t touch that. Okay, and the book is here… ah, okay. Alright. You might want to stand over there.
(chanting repeats and continues under the rest) Great Father Godwin, by grace of your strength and the power of your gifts, restore to us this lost son. Though he was not your disciple he was in your service, and his restored life will be a testament to your work and your will.
SFX: Piece by piece, a big magical ritual begins to build
THACK
So pretty…
MERRICK
We should probably… stand back…
BENEDICT
(chanting intensifies)
SFX: The many glass vials begin to shake together.
THACK
This supposed to happen?
MERRICK
Benedict…?
SFX: The ritual crescendos with big bass.
BENEDICT
(begins to scream in pain)
MERRICK
Benedict…?!
SFX: We are pulled a long distance from the chaos of the vault and abruptly thrown into a place of perfect silence. FATHER OREN’s voice has a sort of celestial reverb on it.
MUSIC: Evoking the Gods’ War sequence from the previous episode.
BENEDICT
(after a beat) H—hello?
FATHER OREN
(he sounds vital; stronger even than we met him last episode) Brother Benedict.
BENEDICT
Father Oren…?
FATHER OREN
I appear to you in a manner you both admire and fear. But I am not he.
BENEDICT
Oh… gods.
FATHER OREN
Just so.
BENEDICT
I have offended thee.
FATHER OREN
You have acted in a reckless manner, it is true. Yet you have done so in service to me. I am vexed and pleased, in equal measure. What am I to do?
BENEDICT
I submit to your will.
FATHER OREN
Your will has proven somewhat stronger than mine of late. No. I will not punish you. But neither will you have my aid.
BENEDICT
Forgive me, Great Father—I don’t understand.
FATHER OREN
The elder god you know as Torak betrayed our trust when he broke the Godstaff into many pieces, and this act earned him his exile. However, the ages have shown that he was not wrong to do so—plans are in motion now that will be the undoing of all we have created, unless they are stopped. This is your charge.
BENEDICT
Thank you, Great Father. I will not disappoint you.
FATHER OREN
You need not call me “Father,” Benedict, for you are no longer my child. Go, and discover your own fate.
BENEDICT
Wait, but—
SFX: We are “whooshed” back into the vault.
BENEDICT
…He’s gone.
CAELUS
(deep, gasping breath)
MERRICK
No, it worked! Caelus!
CAELUS
It never once… occurred to any of you… to first… pull out the arrows?
THACK
Still wearing mine.
SFX: Thack thumps her chest proudly.
CAELUS
Look at me! They’ve healed over!
MERRICK
Good to have you back.
CAELUS
Brother Benedict, I presume I have you to thank for this?
BENEDICT
It’s just “Benedict” now. And mostly you have Merrick to thank.
CAELUS
You said you would run…
MERRICK
Well, you do still owe me that fifty gold, so…
CAELUS
As you well know, all debts are dissolved at death, so I’m afraid you’re quite out of—… wait, Benedict is no longer an insufferable religious zealot?
BENEDICT
Godwin has… forsaken me.
CAELUS
(somber for perhaps half a second) Oh. (upbeat) But look at all these potions, balms, and salves! Uff.
SFX: Caelus hops off the altar and walks over to the bottles.
CAELUS (cont.)
We’ll not want for healing, even with your… affliction. Not to worry!
BENEDICT
Yes, what a relief.
CAELUS
Thack, make yourself useful and help me load all of these.
THACK
Magic word “please.”
CAELUS
You wouldn’t know a magic word if it zapped you in the—
THACK
(growls)
CAELUS
…Please.
MUSIC: Short sequence brings us out: somber, a sense of loss.
MERRICK
It’s like I said, Benedict—now you can be anything you want.
BENEDICT
I wanted to be a priest…
SFX: When music finishes, we are back in the real world.
DOMINIC
Well that took forever, but thank you anyway.
MARCUS
So, maybe this is a dumb question, but how does Benedict get his powers back?
ATHENA
That depends, Marcus. He might never.
MARCUS
Wait, what??
ATHENA
Benedict will either have to redeem himself or find a different path.
DOMINIC
See, there’s this concept—I’m not sure if you’ve heard of it—I like to call it “The Dip.” Now the Dip is this period of time where things are really difficult, right? Are you with me so far?
MARCUS
That’s cold, man.
EMO
Dom, don’t be a jackass. I think what he’s trying to say is that sometimes, when you’re first trying something new—
MARCUS
Alright, alright. I get it! You guys really are the worst.
DANIEL
It is the worst, but only at first—if you just push through it…
MARCUS
Et tu, Daniel?
ATHENA
After a while, you get used to their abuse. It’s not so bad once you get through a sort-of valley area, a kind of trough, if you will—
MARCUS
I take back everything nice I said to you.
ATHENA
(chipper) See you next session?
MARCUS
(defeated) Uh huh…
MUSIC: End credits music.
JORDAN STILLMAN
The Ordinary Epic was created by Brandon M. Crose, and brought to life by Executive Producer Jordan Stillman, Technical Producer Brad Smith, Composer Tiven Weinstock, Graphic Designer Hailey Thurrott, and Visual Designer Sangjun Lee, with additional music and music editing by Bradley Jordan, and audio by Matthew Lightbound. Season one, episode 2: The Drip, was directed by Stephanie LeBolt, and features the voice talents of Rachel Belleman as Emo and Thack; Caitlin Gjerdrum as Athena and Father Oren; Brandon Green as Marcus and Benedict; Michael Hisamoto as Daniel and Merrick; and Elliot Purcell as Dominic and Caelus. Extra special thanks to Production Assistants Neil Johnson, Liz Schultz, and Matt Kramer. Check out theordinaryepic.com for bonus content, original artwork, and to join our listener community. Season one of The Ordinary Epic is made possible in part by a grant from Neil Marsh of Eternity Cove Productions. The Ordinary Epic is copyright 2019, Crose to Home Productions, LLC.
MUSIC: End credit theme concludes.
JORDAN (cont.)
Thank you so much for listening! If you like what you hear, leave us a review—it really does help. We’ll see you again in two weeks with Episode Three: Modern-Day Thacktivism. And always remember: the most difficult part of trying something new is how long it takes to get good at it. You just have to push through and eventually you’ll get there—I promise.
Outro
DAVID
And how about that music, huh? If you loved that, you can head over to theordinaryepic.com/shoppe, that’s s-h-o-p-p-e, all old-timey-like, to buy digital copies of the Season 1 soundtrack, as well as high-definition versions of the podcast episodes. Or you can support them on patreon at patreon.com/theordinaryepic.
We also have a Patreon! We’re at patreon.com/radiodramarevival. Join our discord, play weirdo david jeopardy with me, share only PREMIUM goofs in the RDR platinum channel, and help keep the lights on as we raise high the banner of incredible audio fiction for many years to come. Join our ranks and find yourself in fine company: patrons like Mads and Karim don’t just keep us afloat, they keep our sails trimmed, our gunwales caulked, and our other boatwords boatworded.
You can follow us on twitter @radiodrama and visit our website at radiodramarevival.com, where you can buy a t-shirt with our fabulous logo printed on it.
Now, here it is: your moment of WIl.
WIL (in a small, tired voice)
Hello, pals! I’m a little under the weather and so instead of doing a big old thing of stuff, I will just tell you that I love you, and I think that you’re great and – and – and that’s ALL. (laughs) I hope you’re having a good day. If you’re feeling under the weather, might I recommend sleeping a whole bunch and drinking some tea. You know what, actually, regardless of how you feel, I think you should go have a nice little nap and drink some tea. You deserve that I love you BYE.
DAVID
And now for the traditional end of episode gong, followed by the sound of a bowling alley where the pins have been replaced with tall, thin watermelons.
[gong]
[watermelon pins getting knocked over and squished].
DAVID
The ringing of that gong and the sound of that hot new sport tell me it’s time for the credits.
This podcast is recorded in Washington D.C., which is the unceded territory of the Piscataway Indian Nation, the Piscataway Conoy Tribe, the Pamunkey people, and the Nanticoke people. If you live in the Americas, Australia, or New Zealand, you can learn more about the Native, First Nations, or Indigenous heritage of your area by visiting Whose.land
Our theme music is Danger Digi Doo by Dj Stranger Danger; you can find his music on Soundcloud.
Our line producer and associate interviews producer is Wil Williams: arcane trickster rogue. Uses mage hand to stab people with an enchanted dagger from 30 feet away.
Our senior interviews producer is Eli McIlveen: druid. Knows the secret paths through the forest. Communes readily with the leaf ghosts. Knows a good mushroom when he sees one.
Our associate producer is Sean Howard: bard. Sings, loudly. Makes up most of the words as he goes along, but you’d never suspect it.
Our researcher is Heather Cohen: divination school wizard. Knows altogether far too much about your past. Yes, yours, specifically. She can’t help it.
Our social media manager is Anne Baird: ranger. Uses two swords. Wears red. Strikes fear into the hearts of evildoers. Has a horse.
Our submissions editors are Elena Fernández Collins and Rashika Rao: alchemist and artificer, two halves of a whole, two differing approaches that yield complementary results. Crucible, caliper, beaker, and burr: there are no others that I would prefer.
Our executive producer is Fred Greenhalgh: cleric of the goddamn sun. His holy symbol? A sunsquatch.
I’m your host, David Rheinstrom, your humble level 1 wizard, and this has been Radio Drama Revival: all storytellers welcome.